- I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity and privacy I've changed the names of individuals and sometimes places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics, so the people described do not necessarily reflect the actual person or persons involved. Incidents and situations are as I recall.
- Swearing happens. I have used, and will use, some words that some people might find offensive.
Ambulance post 9)
I’d been in the job a few weeks now, and although I was
still a bit jumpy when the phone rang, I was starting to get used to the
station and the ways of my colleagues. Nowadays all I did was to momentarily
twitch - if I had a cup of tea in my hand at the time, then at least I had a
spare pair of trousers in the locker.
I was working a late shift, a three to eleven. My colleague
was on overtime as my regular crewmate was on leave. It was Denny, the old
hand, who could be relied upon not to turn a hair at any incident, however
serious.
I was out in the kitchen making tea as we had just come back
from picking up an old lady who had fallen out of bed and couldn’t get up. It
was a pretty quick job. Turn up, open door with the key hanging on a piece of
string through the letter box, walk in, take a deep breath (had been there
before and the place stunk) pick old lady up, clean the urine of our hands, and
hurry back to station. Job done.
The kettle was boiling nicely and I had flung the teabags in
the cups when the phone rang again. Denny picked it up as he was the attendant
for the shift.
‘Come on Clive, we got a job,’ he shouted, as the phone
rattled back down. ‘Collapse in a restaurant in town.’
It was about eight thirty in the evening, cold, wet, dark
and miserable. I pulled the ambulance from out of the bay and as soon as Denny
jumped on we headed off, blue lights reflecting off the rain which was now
coming down in torrents. Fortunately we
hadn’t got far to go, just up the road to the high street, turn a right and
then over the traffic lights. A couple of hundred yards later we saw someone
standing with an umbrella trying to wave us down.
Denny picked up the radio and told control we were there.
‘731 in attendance red.’ And then he slammed the handset back down onto its
cradle.
We both stood at the side of the road while the manager of
the restaurant decided to tell us all about it. Water was dripping off us both
and Denny, who was normally as patient as a saint, decided that he’d already
had enough of getting soaked and walked off into the restaurant. The manager
took one look at me, looked down his nose, and then hurried after Denny who was
at that moment trying to shake the wet off his uniform. The people sitting at
nearby tables were getting an impromptu shower, but then it got worse as I came
through the door and did the same.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked Denny, getting things back on
track. ‘Where’s the patient?’
The manager pointed to the back of the room where a few
diners were standing up and looking down on something lying on the floor. Denny
shouldered the response bag and led the way over while I scurried behind with
the oxygen.
Most of the diners had had their appetite momentarily
curtailed as the drama at the back continued to unfurl, though a few diehards
were ignoring everything and continued to eat as if nothing was going on.
‘Hello mate,’ shouted Denny can you hear me?’
I craned my head around and saw a fifty-something year old
man lying in the recovery position. He was wearing a tired looking suit and had
greasy dark hair. Fortunately he appeared to be breathing normally.
The manager told us that the gentleman had just finished
eating when he suddenly groaned and collapsed to the floor. He appeared to have
a fit of some description and then went still.
Denny nodded sagely
as the story was told and then bent down and began to examine our patient. The
manager turned to me and started to repeat everything again, whether it was for
my benefit or for the patrons in the restaurant, I didn’t know, but he was
evidently enjoying being centre stage.
Suddenly the door opened and in walked Reg, the police
officer who spent more time at the ambulance station than we did. He was always
there cadging tea, and once, when he didn’t answer his radio, a police vehicle
was sent down to us in order to find him. ‘Hello boys,’ he said. ‘You alright?
Saw the motor outside and thought I’d see what’s going on.’
Denny turned his head and grinned. He finished his
examination and then stood up. ‘Hello Reg,’ he replied. ‘This could be one for
you; I reckon it’s just up your street.’
‘Oh? Why’s that then?’
Denny turned to the manager. ‘Has he paid?’ he asked with a resigned
sigh.
The manager shook his head. ‘No, he’d only just finished the
meal. I hope it isn’t something he’s eaten.’
‘Could be,’ replied Denny mischievously. ‘Or it could be
that he hasn’t got any money.’ He turned to look down at the patient. ‘Ain’t
that right my son,’ he yelled.’ If you don’t get up I’m going to have to check
your reaction to pain. Your choice.’
The patient didn’t move, but Reg did. He looked at Denny,
looked at the man on the floor, and then looked back at Denny. He too then
grinned. ‘Well I never, if it isn’t Thomas. Hello Thomas. You up to your old
tricks again?’ Reg turned to the manager. ‘This particular gentleman will not be
going to hospital. Where he will be going, unless he pulls out his wallet, is a
nice comfy cell at the station.’
The patient stirred. ‘Wha..? Where am I? What’s going on?’
He opened his eyes and looked around and then tried to get up, making a
remarkable instant recovery.
Reg leant forward to help, grabbing him around the arm and
yanking him to his feet. ‘Don’t take the piss Thomas,’ he hissed into his ear.
‘You got any money?’
Thomas looked at Reg as if weighing up his options but then
realised that he was caught between a rock and a hard place. He was either
going to have to pay up or spend another night in the police cells. He really
didn’t have a choice. Reluctantly, he paid up, the angry diners and restaurant staff
ready to wring his neck.
The manager was furious, but he was only a long line of
restaurant managers who had fallen for the trick. Thomas had outstayed his welcome
in the eateries of Hemel as he’d been plying the ruse regularly there over the
last few weeks. Concluding that it might be a good move to have a break, he
decided to move over to Berko to try his luck there. The idea was to eat the
dinner and then fake a collapse and hope that the staff would conveniently
forget the bill as he would ask to be taken outside for some air. He had also fooled
an ambulance crew, who took him to hospital only to have him do a runner as
soon as they pulled up outside the A & E. Denny wasn’t fooled and knew that
Thomas was trying it on, something that I would have to learn pretty quickly.
Reg had come across him a couple of weeks before when doing
a shift in Hemel, one reason why Thomas decided to move towns. It was poetic
that Reg followed us in just then!
